On Seeing Roxanne for the First Time

People who say there is no God are such fools.   Contemplate the complex, the impossibly complex workings of the human mind and body and no such conclusion is possible.   Millions upon million of cells, nerves, fibers, neurons, and other things, working together to allow humans to achieve and do remarkable things.  To attain nobility, to transcend the banality of life to create sublime works of art.  And, at times, for good or not, retain a memory of events that happened long ago, but were so important, the image of them remains stored in some safe, almost sacred, place.

Such was the moment I first laid my eyes on Roxanne.

Simply as possible, she walked into the room in which I had been waiting for our theory class to start and I was struck dumb.    It was as if an electrical current had been turned on, and I saw my entire life in front of me: this woman.    To say she was beautiful would be pointless.   Of course, she was beautiful, she was without question the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.   But more, she shone with beauty, but no, more than that, she radiated great meaning.  He presence communicated itself to my whole being, and my being reacted as if it was hearing the greatest piece of music ever written, or was observing the greatest, most beautiful painting or work of art that had ever been made.  My whole life seemed to change at that moment, I changed, was metamorphosed, became new, at that moment.    It was, an eternal moment, sacred and above all, very very real.  "This is the woman for you!" the Universe seemed to shout.   "There is One special person, one soul that God intends for another, and this is yours!"   I knew it in my bones.  In my bones.

But what does one do with such a moment?    If one is properly equipped one handles it and acts accordingly.  

Not being so equipped, I foundered like a rudderless ship in  a stormy sea.   I was tossed to and from, completely helpless.  It saddens me to think just how ill-equipped I was for that moment, and indeed, for so many other moments to come.  I am convinced that the universe made a mistake showing me Roxanne at that time, for there was nothing I could do about it.   Nothing I could do, except suffer and regret.   And that I would do for the remainder of my life.   Truly, God erred, greatly.   For I had done nothing to warrant such suffering.

But so many innocents have been doomed by far worse in this life, mine has to be so placed in proper perspective.   Someday.   Someday, I hope to gain such perspective.   But after 45 lonely, frustrating years, I think it unlikely to happen in this life.   So I await the after life, where, at last, I will learn why these events occurred when they did, and why I was to be cursed with a life of loneliness and regret.

And learning that, I may find peace, the peace that has so painfully eluded me all of my life.