FEDER'S THEME

Titled, "Intermezzo," this is a story that is unrelated to the surrounding main chapter of "Toyland," from which is comes.    The "Feder" is a half-man, half hairy beast, who's spends most of his time eating at the Fairy Land Inn.   He is large.   He is also gay, as are most of the clientele of the Ye Olde Fairy Land Tavern.   But they do not discriminate and all are welcome.   

INTERMEZZO

A knock at the door of the Fairy Land Tavern meant a stranger was about to enter as the regular customers and locals knew that one normally just walked in.   Miss Mary Contrary, being nearest the door walked over and opened it.  All eyes stared as the stranger walked in and presented himself.

Speaking with a thick French accent the gentleman announced, “Good evening all.  I am a traveler seeking comfort and lodging.”

“Well, then, come in, your making a draft, silly,” said Dickie the Bell Ringer, who was immediately attracted to the dashing figure of the man.  “I beg you, sit at my table, tall, and handsome stranger.”

“My thanks for your kindness.”

“Damn!” said Puss N’ Boots.  “That Dickie is one fast worker.”

“What is your name, stranger?” asked Dickie.

“My name is Alexis De Toqueville, and I am traveling around America seeking to understand this strange and wonderful country.”

“America?” asked Feder the Wolf.

“Mon Dieu!” shouted De Toqueville. “A talking beast!”

“It’s all right,” said Dickie, “Believe me, he’s only a beast when he’s eating!”

“But he…it’s hands…all that hair…what…?”

“Sir,” said Feder, “I am a member of the rare and uniquely gifted breed of wolves, known collectively as Feders.  We have many human characteristics.”

“Indeed!   Your hands have both claw and human hand characteristics, as does your face!”

“His member is not human, trust me on that!” offered the oldest of the Three Pigs.  “I thought died and gone to heaven!”

“But… but…”

“Yes, I’m also gay,” Feder said, munching on some fries.

“Astonishing.”

“Oh, yes, he’s quite the lover. But sex is not his most serious passion.”

Everyone laughed.

“And what might that be?” asked de Toqueville.

The Feder simply laughed and pointed to his gut.

“Ah, a bit heavy in the middle.”

“Yes, I’ve tried joining a health club, running, acupuncture, even hypnosis.”

“Have you tried dieting?”

Howls of laughter filled the Tavern as…

(Music up.)

The Feder’s Song*

*Sung to the tune of “Show Me” from Lerner and Loewe’s “My Fair Lady”

Give me a steak,

Followed by cake,

Add a milk shake,

Feed me!

It makes me hard,

To think of lard,

Is that meat charred?

Feed me!

Here we are together in the middle of a meal,

Listen to how,

It makes me squeal!

Open up the Twinkies let us eat them by the pack!

Isn’t it time for a snack?

Lobsters and rice,

Isn’t that nice?

To be concise:

Feed me!

Horsemeat is fine,

Gallons of wine,

Chunks of porcine!

Feed me!

Gather all the pork chops and deliver them right here,

What makes you think,

I don’t like beer?

When the bacon’s frying I will salivate a pool,

Look at the way that I drool!

Reach for my pie,
You’ll lose and eye,

Do I look high?

Feed me.

Feed me!

If you’ll allow,

I’ll take some chow,

Now, say good-bye to this cow,

 

Feeeeeeeeeeeed ME NOW!

“Well, I think we can put aside all doubt as to what his true passion is,” said Dickie.